Next week I’m turning 23. Already 3 years in my twenties… I will never wine about 'getting old' whatsoever and it might sound silly but these last years I feel like mountains have shifted. Still, nothing is very clear in my life but I’m getting there, I guess. At least I can see the blueprint vaguely.
When I was 16, I had it all figured out and I assumed myself to be a full-grown woman. That idea alone puts a smile on my face right now. But on the other hand, it sort of makes sense as well. I got caught by love and I’m talking about the real mambo jambo. Not some artificial fling. The kind of blissful psychosis where everything just makes sense. It even made me loose my grip over my own actions sometimes. Intense, passionate but at the same time a destructive inferno. Somewhere along the way, we lost our core. Something that flourished so beautifully just faded. Until it was non-existing. Hardest thing I ever had to do so far. Letting go and breaking out. That was a serious game changer. First time in my life I felt totally alone. I was on my own. What was my plan again? That was the beginning of my quest. My big quest for identity.
I must admit, it was a rocky road from time to time, that you can say. At least. Maybe I’m not proud of every decision I made but I convince myself, no, actually I truly believe, that they were all necessary steps to find where I was looking for...
I was fed up with thinking, I wanted to do. So I started experimenting with all kinds of occupations. That brought me back to something I have always loved doing but that I had to put on the sideline for several years (due to all kind of circumstances): expressing myself in front of a camera. Looking back at my childhood pictures I always had the urge to act out when a camera was around. Maybe I’ll share some of the highlights with you later on :). Not totally planned out, things started to push me back in this direction. It has never been my goal to become a ‘model’. I love to satellite different emotions as clear as possible and to do it in my own way. But the best part of it all is creating a symbiotic bound with people sharing this same passion.
These series were shot in Amsterdam by the great Simon Cornils. In my opinion I think he did a terrific job capturing me in a way I recognize myself. It’s so easy to put on a mask and to be somebody else, as well in life as in front of a camera. The hardest part is opening up. For the moment that’s my goal. Nothing more, nothing less.